“Lifeing” is Hard

Hello there long time no see…

I’m not sure how long I have been away from this blog, but in the meantime life has been happening and it seems to get harder each day.

Since pandemic began I have stopped my part-time teaching and found a full-time teaching job. My kids have gone from zoom classes to in person classes. My life has done a 180 in so many aspects that I’m not sure if I can handle all of it… I went from being a stay home mom for 8 years to being a mom with a full time job outside of the house… and that my friends, is one aspect I am not mastering at all!

Ever since I started working full time, my parents moved in to help us ( although this is another blog post alone), my children have been showing some academics decline and negative changes in eating habits. My marriage, which I shall not get into many details due to no wanting to expose my partner, but in many ways is not thriving. Overall… I’m questioning if working full time is even ideal for my mental and emotional health.

Not one day goes by that I don’t feel guilty for not being fully involved in my kids school life, or coming home tired with no energy for my children, or not being able to take a day off to be with my kids…

I guess most days I seek to be seen in my mental struggles navigating motherhood, parenthood and “myselfhood“. In my anxious and overthinking thoughts, my mind races through every possible negative outcome that could happen from me not being at home with the kids. I get overwhelmed, exhausted, upset and sad that I don’t feel supported by my immediate “village” whenever I express my feelings.

You see… not having your feelings validated sucks! Because of my ADHD, I have many feelings all that time. I understand it might be exhausting being my partner or friend… I get it… but no medication in the world will stop these feelings from happening.

I guess that what I am trying to say is that being away from home, raising my kids full time, puts my mind in a 24/7 alert. I need my house team to work with me and give continuation of the job I began 9 years ago. So far this hasn’t happened… 😟

People in my house have stepped in many ways to cover all the roles I used to have when being at home. But in many ways people don’t communicate or work as a team to plan next steps… and that when my mind sends an alert saying: danger ahead!

My children are now complaining to speak Portuguese with me. My children don’t call for me with random questions. My kids are. It being polite as they used to be. My kids are being forced to look for me at home because they don’t care if I’m home or not…

Of course there are so many layers to why things are the way they are… one of them being me having suffered a few episodes of anger/panic attack every since pandemic began… my kids witnessing such episodes is certainly not the highlight of motherhood. Plus, God knows what my husband tells my kids when those episodes happen…

Bottom line is that lifeing has been difficult lately and if the same has been happening to you, I just want to say that “ I see you, I believe you, and you have all the right to feel what you feel!”

I’m so sorry I wrote such a “down” post after so not posting for so long… but I have always been honest with you and you have always been my therapy session!

Love,

Camila ❤️

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