Hi, if you are reading this and you are NOT my friend, you will be somewhat surprised with what I will write; but if you are reading this and you ARE my friend, nothing will come as a surprise to you!
I have recently been diagnosed with Adult ADHD… ta-daaaa!! It came as a relief to my life!!!
Adult ADHD manifests itself a little different from childhood ADHD. Some of its symptoms are: forgetfulness, intense emotions, impulsiveness, insomnia, depression,anxiety, quick-temper, disorganization, lack of focus, etc. So let’s say I may or may not have all of those above!
I mean… I know we live in times that the whole world have a little bit of ADHD by default; however, carrying those symptoms all at once in your entire life is quite different from having those symptoms due to some temporary seasonal stress.
For some time I have self-diagnosed with the disorder, but for the sake of peace of mind I searched for a psychiatry specialized in ADHD just to be sure. After answering more than 100 questions about my past, 200 questions about my present, 1 letter from a loved one and a 3-hour consultation, the answer to all my struggles had finally come: “Yea, you do have ADHD, no doubt about that!” the psychiatrist said with a grin on her face. It was one of the best, most relieving, satisfying, victorious, happiest day of my life since becoming a mother!! Both the doctor and I laughed when she gave the verdict! You know… being diagnosed with ADHD is not a problem at all for me… it is not even shameful! The real problem for me is to carry all these symptoms and be a mother/wife/myself/friend/daughter/student/professional/human being at the same time!!!
I’m telling you… “wearing” different roles in life when you can not even focus on closing the lid of the bottle you just opened… that’s when life gets complicated! One of the reasons why I had postpartum-depression and I struggle so much as a stay-home-mom is 95% due to all these symptoms I carry from having ADHD. When I first became a mom I thought the circumstances of my marriage, location, people I was surrounded with were the causes of how difficult it was to be at home alone with my children. Wrong! The truth is, being a stay home mom is an everyday struggle I battle with due to the fact I can’t handle having to make so many decisions (big or small) for 2 little kids that are totally dependable on me!!
My day at home with the kids pretty much sums up in me being exhausted with the day by noon because I literally could not get anything done, yet I already walked 3 thousand steps around the house!! True, I know every mom in America feels this way! But being at home with my children means I have to feed, teach, care, be patient, educate, be diplomatic, entertain and raise human beings to be independent, polite, social, funny, resilient, and loving! It shouldn’t be too difficult right?!
I honestly think about all that from that time I wake up to the time I go to bed; and the pressure I carry to make sure I don’t fail in motherhood is so huge that I literally get worn out with the whole thing by 1pm!! Everyday, everyday, I have a feeling I failed at something in motherhood. I can’t give breakfast/lunch/dinner on time to my kids. My 4 year old is not reading yet. My 5 year old is not so good in math subtraction. I haven’t taken my kids to the zoo since they were 1 and 2 years old. My kids are afraid of dogs. My kids still don’t know how to eat with a fork and knife. My kids don’t eat vegetables everyday. My kids don’t eat fish once a week. I give McDonald’s to my kids. I could go on and on, but I’ll move on…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it really sucks to be a stay home mom and feel that you are not the right person for this job. When I wake up and I think that I will have to cook, clean, hear “mamae” two thousand times, feed them healthy food, be on time, clean up after the kids and myself, be responsive, remember to close caps and have a big nice smile when husband comes home… I then just want to stay in bed.
That is why after I became a mother I have had 0 judgement on people’s lives!! I also learned that in order to be stronger I should seek help and be honest with my feelings. Knowing what is wrong is doing what is right. Therefore my friends, I have 0 problems with you knowing my everyday struggles because I know that someone out there might be going through with what I am going through and might need some “pick me up” to know that it is all O.K!
PS: amid all this chaos, I still want that 3rd baby! 🙂