Struggling

Who isn’t? Just like an Oprah’s Holiday giveaway episode it’s like “You are struggling, you are struggling, I am struggling, we are all struggling, Happy Holidays!” – Oprah in my mind. 

Today, I had a mini anxiety attack where I felt my heart palpitating fast, hands shaking, nauseating and weak… all during bedtime prayer with my family. It was 8:45pm and there I was overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted with being me. 

In my mind this is what struggling looks like everyday…

I don’t want to hear anybody calling me Mamae anymore; but my kids are my everything after Jesus.

I can’t take being at home stuck with my family anymore; but I am so grateful that I have a roof over my head and a family to hold.

I can’t take homeschooling anymore; but thank God my kids are at home not being bullied or having to do safety drills at school. 

I can’t take my husband’s endless work from home meetings; but thank God he has a job during these tough times.

I am done with having face acne for wearing a mask all the time; but masks keep us and our community safe.

I am done with the 20 pounds I have gained since March; but I am healthy and safe.

I am done with parenthood, but being a mother is the answer of my prayers.

I am done with cooking, cleaning, washing the dishes, organizing; but thankfully I have food to eat and a place to live. 

I am really sad that my parents won’t be with us for this Christmas, but thank God they are healthy in Brazil and we can facetime. 

I feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed with life because I know there are thousands of people in worse situations than mine. I feel guilty mourning the death of my uncle, who did not have a child of his own, when friends have lost their dads or grandads. I feel guilty about struggling with ADHD when there are thousands of people battling bipolar disease, OCD, etc…  

This Pandemic has caused so much uncertainty and fear that people are literally saying NO to COVID vaccine, while the whole world is searching for a cure, a miracle and the safety of their loved ones! If having a divided country in politics wasn’t enough, we now have the COVID anti vaxxers ready to keep hospitals overcrowded, children out of school, holidays away from family and cancelation of mass gatherings for life. 

It has been rough. Really rough. It’s tough to be in a position in life you did not choose to be. I chose NOT to homeschool my children because my brain does not have the normal capacity to handle so many decisions and tasks all at once. But guess what? Here I am homeschooling my children sort of “part-time” because we are in a pandemic. Since the beginning of virtual school, I have missed my kids’ homework deadline, material pick up, science projects… I have also served Mcdonald’s lunch for 2 days in a row… I have ordered pick-up food more than I should have… I have been emotionally eating after the kids go to bed, simply because that is the only time I have for myself. 

We all seek to feel belonged, but I rather pass on this current sense of belonging that we are all struggling with in life right now. This one is definitely not the one we are in search of. I don’t want to turn on Insta and Twitter and read about the next artist that passed away due to Covid in here and Brazil. I don’t want to hear about the next black man dying in police hands. I don’t want to wake up to another city lockdown due to this virus. I don’t want to see another fake news link being sent to my WhatsApp. I don’t want to see one more politician acting for his/her own benefit while thousands are struggling with unemployment and covid.

I promise I am holding on to my deep relationship with God who has proven to see me and hear me when I needed the most. But I am honestly so tired of people trying to play doctors, experts and judges of the world just to take us 50 years back to the lack of information years. How can we ask a machine to play our favorite song, and doubt scientists? Science and facts are bffs. Facebook and Google are frenemies using algorithms and our personal data to spread fake news and wealth to their pockets. Scientists fail, science doesn’t. 

Anyway, that’s me… started with struggling, ending with science… but to my defense this is my therapy session and it’s 2020.

Thank you for listening! 

Love,

Camila 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *